COURAGE

On the front it reads "I'm Dying". On the back it reads "So Are You." And thus another warrior in the battle against some insidious disease announces their awareness that, for them, the end of the fight is near. A combination of spitting into the wind and remaining part of humanity by reminding others that each of us faces the same destiny.

Beyond the wry smile of acknowledgement, I am often struck by the audacity of the display...and all that goes with such self-knowledge.

Cancer has been a frequent intruder in my life. And seldom can a day pass without all of us seeing or hearing stories of those who battle some disease; stories that tug at our hearts or moisten our eyes.

But acknowledgment of the final reality, the loss of options, the sureness of outcome, the awareness of sooner rather than later; that is not a failure of hope, but a true and precious courage.

Benj had breast cancer. When the certainty of death was near, she spent every minute of time, every ounce of energy and every breath of determination to ensure her family was not only with her on the path but taken care of in the future. In public she was composed, thoughtful and organized. She had set a goal that required her to both acknowledge and act. Surely not easy, it was my first brush the exhibition of courage when seeing your death near.

Debbie's cancer was obscenely quick from diagnosis to death. From her hospital bed she completed a quilt for each of her sons, wrote letters and thoughts and fought to keep meaning in her life while facing death. Such acts required awesome strength of will.

Now, as I work with the LiveStrong cancer community, I am privileged to see and know others who defiantly acknowledge the nearness of death but continue to live. Who make painful, but necessary decisions. Who often even seek to provide comfort to the rest of us or guidance on the roads forward.

What else could you call that but courage?

HOW WILL I DIE?

Not to be morbid, but I really believe it is normal to think about dying as we get older. And in thirty days, like many other Boomers, I hit the Big 60.

Now, I've always been in the "it's better than the alternative" camp about aging. Thirty and Forty went by without a twinge. I hinted at (and got) a surprise 50th birthday party because I felt I had earned every one of those years. But I'll have to admit that something about the '60' has me a little more wary. It's one thing to be starting down the closing slope at 50. The second half of my allotted century I forthrightly proclaimed. It is quite another to be already part way down a very slippery slope of uncertain length.

My husband Al hit sixty a few years ago - with long thoughts and a long face. I was cautious, but wasn't very charitable. It's just another ten years I reasoned. We all end up in the same place I reasoned. No one controls our time left I reasoned. Eventually, it did dawn on me that I had to go there too - and that reason had little to do with it..

So let's just say the thought of dying is no longer foreign to my meandering mind.

And then a TV ad about surviving breast cancer and dying while dancing with joy sent me careening down a whole new thought path about death and dying.

I want to die with someone I love; my husband Al, my daughter Stephanie, Jackson, Dylan and Karly my grandchildren, my sisters, my cats Samson and Lily.

I want to be hugging, snuggling, laughing, singing, dancing, bicycling, skiing, snowshoeing, reading, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate, playing catch, listening to the trees, watching deer, hearing birdsong, staring into a campfire, awestruck by lightening and thunder, making love by moonlight.

No, I don't believe I have control over how I die.

But I know that I will never die in any one of the many ways I wish if I am not doing those things in life.

So now, for me, thinking about how I will die begins with thinking about how I will live. Doing.